Courage to Think
Of work or love
And passions retained.
A fiery beast of life
will have always remained.
To clip the wings
and send a dust
A grinding work
while spirits rust.
But I am an optimist
in subtle reprieve.
I search the winds
to carry me.
I see the longing
in Hades eye
to build a man
who needn’t wings to fly.
I’m hurting a bit. It’s seeing what is meaningful to me and being separate from it. It causes my soul to ache, and it depresses my heart. Yes, it is a longing, to be with what is right for me. And I could at once distract myself with sex, or video games. But, it’s this that runs below the surface as the cause. I love that woman. That is all. That is enough. She is sacred, and she can stay there. To undertake the practicalities of life at this moment seems so irrelevant. It would be like an ambulance with a dying woman in it stopping so the driver could inspect the paint job. What’s important is so obvious in that moment, the other things couldn’t matter less. I’ve been writing prolifically for about 10 years now. And the relationship has altered me in many ways. But it seems still strange that it is and has been confined to me alone. And that the outer world knows nothing of these connections.
I saw him in the dust filled room sawing at the dry wall, his unmasked face and body caked in white dust. I thought “ my God” this man is barely alive. I wondered how anyone could disregard their health so much. I thought surely I am watching a man commit suicide. Only his death was not all at once but over time. Then he passed me in the hall way and looked at me for a moment with vacant eyes, I saw the white dust filling his nostrils. Certainly this man was aware that he was killing himself. It was in a way frightening, to be so close to a human state that has completely given up. I adjusted my mask, and moved on.
Today I will go into the world. And I will make myself as one of them. Though I can hardly believe that any are even like it. I will sit there and I will be totally out of place. And to survive I will work on my mind as I have worked on others in my time of influence. And I will get through. I will even get myself to feel at home. And I must. It is the only way I will endure and get through.
And then when the time has come and the place has let out, I will close the door to my car, and I will sigh for having made it another day. And then I will begin to shake the hypnosis off of me. And at some hour before the day has ended, and before I go once more. I will sit with my being, and truth will comfort me for a time.
As a human being we have the ability to prime our mind for how it will tend to operate for a given period of time. That given period of time will usually last until an event significantly impacts you, or you go to sleep for the night. And this is a hugely useful skill because how your mind operates is essentially what equates to your experience of living. This principal of the mind is usually in operation automatically, occurring unconsciously to the individual. Chronic life circumstances or recent events may command the attention and train the mind for how it will think moving forward. The operation of the human mind is not as benevolent as one would think. When a recent event was painful or aggravating and is charged with negative emotions, the mind will become primed into what we call a state. That state of mind will operate to perpetuate its self. On the flip side if the human experiences some event that induces gratefulness, or joy or, righteous pride, the mind will operate for a period of time to continue that state of mind. It’s just one of those things that’s true.
Now here’s a great activity to actively direct one’s mind. Sit down in a quiet space where you won’t be distracted. With a pen and paper write down three categories, “Things I’m grateful for,” Successes I’ve had,” and “What’s coming.” And then begin under the first one, “Things I’m grateful for.” And list with bullet points every thing that comes to mind that your grateful for. You may list things like, This quiet space to write, that I got paid yesterday, that I have access to this coffee everyday, that I had a positive interaction with another parent, or that I have a gym in my complex. Once you have spent time listing everything that comes to mind, and then sat and let several more things trickle in, move onto the next category and begin again. Some examples of successes may be, I successfully moved to Naples, I ordered the tickets for the trip, I made $19k in a month, I got a promotion, I made the habit of flossing, I faced my fear. Just continue to list until you’ve spent adequate time and have gotten to the point where you’ve written down so many things that they are slowly trickling in. Then move onto the last category. The last category is important because it takes these thoughts from the theory of your mind to the actual living of your life. List the changes you would like to see in your life. Maybe you would like a relationship to change from one of pain to one of compassion and understanding. Then write down, “my relationship with ___ has completely changed. There is literally no bad blood any more.” If you want a change in your body, list “I put on 25lbs of muscle.” Do this until you feel you’ve hit all the areas you want.
Do this first thing in the morning and observe the way you feel following the exercise.
Best of luck
Sitting at my desk beginning my day, time is a part of my thought’s. I think, ” I am 32. I am past my youth, soon to be middle aged, soon to be old, soon to be gone. This thought asks me to feel depressed as if I am losing something of great value. But I stand back, and I observe thinking to myself “no, I don’t think I want to feel that way.” I don’t see the wisdom in positioning myself against the natural and true passage of time. And then I think of my grandparents, my boy’s great grandparents, of how they don’t have a great number of days left here. And I wish they spoke of their old age more optimistically, with gratitude, even romanticism. Rather than the sadness and unhappiness that’s common in my grandfathers words.
What a trip this life is. From how we come into it, to how we go. My prayer is that we give of ourselves while were here, love one another, and give thanks that we get to share it together.
Forgive me for my words of pain. Remember me for the light I gave.
The uncertainty of the day ahead wears on my energy. I need to round it all up and learn what is what as quickly as I can. I was born to sit under an oak and think, or sit at a desk in some old drab home looking out a window. I was made for quiet and solitude. But being made for it doesn’t mean I get to do it. I still have people that need things from me. I’ve got to pay the Naples rent, and I’ve got to keep the car payment paid. We need gas, and food, and all the other bills need paid. I need to keep these things afloat for the ones I love. Still the conflict runs rampant in my spirit. Being so sensitive to my source, or my home, or what it is I’m for, and being forced to live apart from that causes a chronic sadness.
Today I will walk forward into the belly of the beast as I have done for so many years now. I will not do so kicking and screaming, but I will walk forward under my command. I will not become docile to life. Even though buried deep under the years of life. I will conceive of my direction, and I will strive for its revelation. And I will hold all within that conception.
I will play a character. And I will cultivate that character, creating the most useful person I can imagine. And he will be tough, tough enough to handle anything the world can throw at him. And then when it’s over, I will sit in quiet, honestly sensitive.
Life Is hard. At one time it was not. And still, when I’m in your arms it ceases to be. It’s not that work is hard and ceaseless, and that sleep is lacking. It’s that I will spend the day unloved and in danger. And everything I encounter will be hostile. Everything but the horizon, and the beginning of a moment alone.
Good morning my life. Good morning my friendly table. Good to see you distant illumination. Concrete Floor, your style is better than ever. Seat you are a beautiful color this morning. Clothes, even you have really outdone yourself. I am joyous just to sit and look at you. Oh dark woods and blacks, if I could surround myself with company like you always, how wonderful it would be. And lastly I am grateful for the height of your ceilings. How your openness allows me to breath. Be my constant companion will you not? You are just as I am. I can hardly believe that others, or someone else is just the same as I.
I have never been very fond of the presence of others, imposing, attempting to dominate, a constant war. I would very much prefer only the select few of my family ever gain access to my vision. And with this vast capacity for feeling, I have made my way in the world with a strong physical presence and an intellect to excel at skill. I have protected myself by the dominance of what the world values. I shall trick them into thinking I am like them, even skilled at being like them. And they will leave me alone, respect me. But I am none of these things, I am not a brute. I am finely tuned and must be guarded.
I have prayed for a savior to come and rescue me from the world. But no such savior arrived. So instead I have built and armor and wrapped my heart entirely. With the world I go to war, waging a battle to free myself from its snares. And I am reminded on this morning the purpose for these fights, to free the creativity and allow its life to come forth.
So I leave this soul now. I pick up the breast plate. I strap on the guards. I take uptake shield, and I grip the sword. I wage war with the world to make ready the path.