Month: January 2023

Posted on

The Rose, Thorns and all.

Life and Death

Sitting at my desk beginning my day, time is a part of my thought’s. I think, ” I am 32. I am past my youth, soon to be middle aged, soon to be old, soon to be gone. This thought asks me to feel depressed as if I am losing something of great value. But I stand back, and I observe thinking to myself “no, I don’t think I want to feel that way.” I don’t see the wisdom in positioning myself against the natural and true passage of time. And then I think of my grandparents, my boy’s great grandparents, of how they don’t have a great number of days left here. And I wish they spoke of their old age more optimistically, with gratitude, even romanticism. Rather than the sadness and unhappiness that’s common in my grandfathers words.

What a trip this life is. From how we come into it, to how we go. My prayer is that we give of ourselves while were here, love one another, and give thanks that we get to share it together.

Posted on

This Is The Story Of Validation By others

Self Validation

My first life was wanting a seat at the table, to be recognized and given a chair, and to be one of them. And I got that chair in some ways, being invited to X-games. getting pro sponsorships, getting in magazines, getting recognized. But in other ways I never did, the money was always small, I never got a major podium or win, and my presence in the media was always less than I wanted. To the podium, there were times like the Jomo Pro when I felt justified in feeling robbed of my spot at that table. 4th was my home. At the top, but not the glory. And I truly did give everything I had for that seat, which never fully came. And then when I was 20, I had saw that I did my time. I gave the bike away and stepped into what was next. I believe I spent the time that followed processing and coming to terms with the fact that I never truly got my seat.  I suspect I did deserve it. But not getting it made me question that. I came to terms with the fact that it is possible for things in this life to not be just. That I may have earned a seat at the table and still not got a seat. In other words, the world outside myself may not validate me, no matter what. I then sought to over come my fear, which was a fully self validating endeavor. It was around this time that the man at the head of the table of my previous ambition committed suicide while parked in his car in the driveway of his best friends house.

This is the story of validation by others. And it seems like many of us crave this. Even as I write and reflect on this I desire to call my dad, read this and have him validate the profundity of these thoughts. It is not enough that I recognize it. I must have it validated by another outside myself. Perhaps it is the same impulse that kills the thing we seek. But they are not unnoticed, They are noticed by us, and our God?